Reflections and Resolutions

At the beginning of 2012, I made three resolutions for the year (1) simplify, (2) find peace with being a working mom, and (3) eat more fish.

If I had to grade myself, I would give myself a B for number (1), F for number (2) and B for number (3).  For the straight-A student part of me, this is an atrocious report card. 

Having said that, I would give myself an A for effort. 

I tried really hard to find ways to simplify my life by hiring a house keeper (which really didn't reduce my housework load as much as I had hoped and anticipated...but I still LOVE that twice a month, my house gets cleaned top to bottom by someone else), hiring more babysitters (or swapping babysitting), prepping many dinners the night before, letting go of having a spotless house, not over-committing to host too many things, etc.  Although there is still room for improvement, I did a decent job finding ways to simplify my life. 

I ate much more fish than in previous years, but not as much as I first set out to eat.  I do find myself making a conscious decision to make a fish selection more than I ever have in the past, so I think I was pretty successful with this goal.

Now, for finding peace with being a working mom...this was a complete FAILURE in 2012.  I am not used to failing at anything I set my mind to do...so this is a hard pill to swallow.  Again, I give myself an A for effort though.  I sought professional help by seeing a therapist for 6 months, read countless blogs and magazine articles on the topic, talked with many working moms, read books on stress management, marriage and parenting, etc..  But, at the end of the day, I FAILED to find peace with being a working mom.  Honestly, by the end of the year, I felt broken in many ways.

BUT, with a new year, comes new energy, time to reflect and an opportunity to set new resolutions and goals.  So, for 2013 I am resolving to do three things (1) find peace with being a working mom (I want another bite at the apple), (2) spend more quality time focused on me and us, and (3) organize my closets and drawers.  Number (1) and (2) are actually related somewhat.  I have been reflecting a lot lately on WHY I still struggle (immensely) with this whole concept of being a working mom.  After reading through and reflecting on my "Random 2 Weeks" and simply thinking back on the last two years of my life (since Henry was born) I have come to the conclusion that I have lost focus on who I am - a dynamic, multifaceted woman. 

I have spent the better part of the last two years focused on really only two parts of my life: being a mom and being a lawyer.  Although I have made some effort to still be a decent friend, daughter and wife, the primary focus of the last two years has been on being a mom and lawyer.  One role driven by desire (and perhaps biology), the other role driven by necessity.  The role driven by necessity takes up a SIGNIFICANT number of my waking hours.  This has made me grumpy at best....angry, resentful, guilty, and bitter at worst.  But WHY???

The best hypothesis I can come up with at this time is that I am so conflicted because I sacrificed (in large part but admittedly not entirely) the many other roles I used to have before I had Henry: crafter, reader, walker, devoted daughter, wife and friend, volunteer, chef, gardener, traveler, dreamer.  I did this 100% voluntarily, but perhaps not consciously.  My biggest FEAR after Henry was born was/is that my choice to work was/is going to forever harm him...and me...so I devoted as many of my waking hours that were not devoted to work (and the occasional date with Ryan) to Henry. This is a recipe for disaster and disaster is what I am coping with.

Logically, I know that it is important to nurture oneself.  Logically, I know that Henry will not be harmed by my choice to work.  Logically, I know that Henry is happy, healthy and thriving.  Logically, I know that a happy mother makes a much better mother than an unhappy mother (which is current state).  Emotionally though, I have not been able to change course.

But, in 2013 I am setting out to change course, because what I have been doing has clearly NOT been working. I need to spend more time nurturing me.  I need to spend more time nurturing my marriage, my dear Ryan.  I believe (HOPE) this will result in a happier/healthier mom for Henry, happier/healthier wife for Ryan, and happier/healthier person for myself.  If I am more balanced and fulfilled, I believe (HOPE) I will find peace with work and being a working mom.

Oh, but HOW???  Here are a few thing I aspire to do this year to accomplish number (2) - spend more quality time focused on me and us, which I think will facilitate accomplishing number (1) - finding peace with being a working mom:

1. 20 date nights...minimum
2. Take a family vacation
3. Finish making Henry's baby book
4. Paint my nails and/or toenails regularly
5. Read for pleasure more
6. Blog
7. Jog/Exercise regularly
8. Plant veggies/fruit in the summer
9. Canning
10. Learn to play the piano (my lessons start tomorrow!)
11. SLEEP more
12.  Express my gratitude regularly
13.  Allow myself to relax and laugh more often
14. Spend more time with other working moms with young children
15. Spend more time with old (and new) girlfriends

Cheers to 2013!!!  I have HUGE hopes that this will be a WONDERFUL and JOYOUS year to come.