A couple weeks ago, my post was on my internal debate regarding whether to move to the country or not. My conclusion then, was that it made most sense to stay put. But over the last two weeks (...if I am really honest, the last three years since we purchased our property), that conclusion just hasn't been sitting well emotionally. My heart is telling me that I need to move. Perhaps not right this second, because that would be INSANE. I am six and half months pregnant for goodness sake! But, my heart is telling me to move in the next few years. When the boys are young and could use plenty of space for unabashed running and romping. Working in the dirt (i.e. gardening) brings me incredible peace (thank you Mama for passing on that gene). I feel like I could use more space to REALLY garden, not just play around with a couple heads of lettuce and strawberry plants. Ryan would appreciate having a workshop and being much closer to the river for fishing. We both crave the simplicity of country living (although I have no illusions that it will not come with an endless list of projects and a lot of hard work to maintain). All in all, I am pulled emotionally to live in the country.
That isn't to say that I don't have my doubts and insecurities about the logistics of living farther away from the amenities of the city and suburbia and the fact that the schools are not as exceptional as my current neighborhood schools. But, my new year's resolution for 2014 was to live more authentically. Fear seems to be driving me to stay in suburbia. It is comfortable and familiar. But, I don't think it is fulfilling what I really want deep down. Fear is driving me to be unauthentic to who I am. I want to be brave. I want to dare to take a risk, a chance on the unknown. To do something thing that is uncomfortable. This is completely out of the norm for me. I historically have made very calculated, safe, responsible decisions in my life. I DON'T like to take risks. It has suited me well so far, at least on paper. But, it hasn't resulted in contentment, or dare I say happiness. So, my new conclusion, is that we will move to the country. 'Plan A' is back in play! I am throwing caution to the wind and going to dive feet first into this "new" plan...well, in my typical type-A neurotic planner mode...and get the wheels truly in motion to make the move sometime in the next few years.
First up on the list is getting the house plans in order. I have already started working on the sketches. Next up on the list is convincing Ryan I am "for real" about this plan to move. He has endured countless conversations/debates over the past few years where I waffle on this decision (sometimes in the same day!!!), so he rightfully doesn't really want to talk about this issue anymore (because it is ANNOYING...FRUSTRATING...DOWNRIGHT MADDENING to talk to someone who changes her mind a thousand times, literally), let alone believe me when I say I have decided we should move. There is no reason why he should believe me, given my history on this issue. What I really appreciate about my husband is that he actually listens to me and the fact that he truly wants me to be happy and is willing to sacrifice his own dreams (including living in the country) for my dreams (what he perceives as me wanting to live in city/suburbia). The truth is, I really DO want to live in the country. I am just scared...really scared...about the unknown. But enough is enough, no more scaredy-cat Crystal. Time to roll up my sleeves and get to work implementing this plan!
Stay tuned...
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