Motherhood - The First 9 Months

Baby Boy is 9 months old today. He has started to pull himself up on furniture now. Not quite up on his feet yet, but up on his knees. It is just a matter of time before he makes it to his feet. He also discovered the kitchen cabinets this weekend. What a great new toy to bang on. I'll take it for now since he doesn't know how to open them yet. This weekend he got to see lots of kids. We went to Madison's (Ryan's cousin Travis's little girl) birthday party on Saturday where there were a handful of kids. I really like family gatherings, I wish we got together more. Yesterday Henry and I hosted a play date. Cameron, Jade and Layton came over to play (plus their mom's). It is fun to see them mobile and snatching toys from one another. Cameron is not quite crawling yet, but he is the youngest (a month behind Henry). I'm sure by next month he will have mastered it. I told Kellie that she should relish this time because once he becomes mobile her life will become much busier. I love this stage though. Henry is so inquisitive and likes to play independently (for a least a little while). But, he still loves his snuggle time with Mama. I know the day will come when he doesn't want to snuggle with Mama anymore, so I am cherishing these moments.

Lately, I've been reflecting on motherhood. Here are the top 5 surprises about motherhood:

1. Passion. I've always been one of those people that wanted to find my passion. I've been interested in lots of different things in life, but not passionate about anything. I had gotten to the point of thinking that I just didn't have a passion. I know it may sound cliche, but being a mom is my passion. I LOVE being a mom. There isn't anything that brings me more joy in the world than being a mom. It is all consuming. It is ever-present. From the time I get up until the time I go to bed, I am thinking about Henry. All I want to do is spend time with him. I never tire of being with him. I knew I would like being a mom, but I had no clue how much I would love it. I thought I was career driven and would be itching to go back to work after Henry was born. But, ironically, after all the time and resources I've spent becoming a lawyer and creating an amazing lifesyle, I would give it all up in heartbeat to be a full time mom. Funny how I spent almost a decade of my adult life not wanting children and now all I want to do is be with my child.

2. Love. I knew I would love Henry, because all moms love their children. What I didn't know was how deeply I would love Henry. Unlike other forms of love, that grow and are earned in large part, the love I have for Henry is different, its primal. It is truly unconditional. And he didn't have to earn it. I just love him with all my heart. Period.

3. Attachment. I have been very surprised with my parenting style. Because I'm so type-A about most things in life, I thought I would be scheduled and formulaic about my parenting. Surprisingly, I've gravitated much more toward attachment parenting or baby-led parenting. Because I don't believe infants are manipulative, I find myself letting Henry tell me what he needs. I feed him on demand when he's hungry (even in the middle of the night) and let him sleep when he is tired (although he does have a pretty set bedtime). He still primarily naps in someone's arms, even now. I don't necessarily think other parenting styles are wrong or bad, I just have naturally fell into this type of parenting...which is polar opposite of how I thought I would be. Tons of moms told me before Henry was born that I would just know what to do when Henry was born, and somehow, this is what I "knew" how to do. Fascinating.

4. Nursing. Before Henry was born, I was skeptical if I was going to be able to nurse for even the 12 weeks that I was scheduled to take off for maternity leave. I had hoped I would be able to nurse for 6 months, which was a goal I set for myself, but deep down I was skeptical. On the flip side, I am super stubborn, so since I set a goal, I was pretty determined to meet it. What has been surprising about nursing, is how emotional it has been. It has been one of the biggest sources of stress. I am constantly worried that I won't be able to keep up with Henry's demand, but here we are 9 months later, and he's HUGE and HEALTHY. Clearly, I've been able to keep up, yet I still stress about it. You would think the stress would lead me to supplement with formula, but I stress more about giving him formula...why, only heaven knows. I never thought I would be one of those moms who nursed for the whole first year, but with only 13 more weeks left, there is a good chance I'll nurse for the entire first year (or at least pretty close to it). Another surprising thing about nursing is my husband's perspective on breastfeeding. Before Henry was born he thought it was creepy for women to nurse for much longer than a few months, but he would tolerate the first 6 months. Now, he could care less how long I nurse. Go figure. I think the biggest perk of nursing, and also surprising (because again, I was skeptical), is that nursing has helped me lose over 60 pounds since Henry was born. Woo-hoo!

5. Guilt. I have heard time and time again from working moms about the guilt they feel after becoming moms. I never really understood it until I became a mom. I feel guilty when I spend time away from Henry. There is the undercurrent guilt about working generally, but most of the guilt revolves around spending time doing other things that pull me away from Henry (like grocery shopping, cleaning, paying bills...you know...life). I feel a tremendous amount of guilt, which I know is ridiculous, but I still feel it. This usually results in me trying to postpone those activities until after he goes to bed or when Ryan can play with him, but it means I have NO time for the things that I used to do for me (painting my nails, reading a novel, scrapbooking, playing the piano, gardening, etc.) But then, I even feel guilty for wanting time for those things. I don't think I can win this battle, nor do I think this battle is logical. Emotions are a tricky thing, something that you can't always control.