Nesting on the mind...still

A couple weeks ago, my post was on my internal debate regarding whether to move to the country or not.  My conclusion then, was that it made most sense to stay put.  But over the last two weeks (...if I am really honest, the last three years since we purchased our property), that conclusion just hasn't been sitting well emotionally.  My heart is telling me that I need to move.  Perhaps not right this second, because that would be INSANE.  I am six and half months pregnant for goodness sake!  But, my heart is telling me to move in the next few years.  When the boys are young and could use plenty of space for unabashed running and romping.  Working in the dirt (i.e. gardening) brings me incredible peace (thank you Mama for passing on that gene).  I feel like I could use more space to REALLY garden, not just play around with a couple heads of lettuce and strawberry plants.  Ryan would appreciate having a workshop and being much closer to the river for fishing.  We both crave the simplicity of country living (although I have no illusions that it will not come with an endless list of projects and a lot of hard work to maintain).  All in all, I am pulled emotionally to live in the country. 

That isn't to say that I don't have my doubts and insecurities about the logistics of living farther away from the amenities of the city and suburbia and the fact that the schools are not as exceptional as my current neighborhood schools.  But, my new year's resolution for 2014 was to live more authentically.  Fear seems to be driving me to stay in suburbia.  It is comfortable and familiar.  But, I don't think it is fulfilling what I really want deep down.  Fear is driving me to be unauthentic to who I am.  I want to be brave.  I want to dare to take a risk, a chance on the unknown.  To do something thing that is uncomfortable.  This is completely out of the norm for me.  I historically have made very calculated, safe, responsible decisions in my life.  I DON'T like to take risks.  It has suited me well so far, at least on paper.  But, it hasn't resulted in contentment, or dare I say happiness.  So, my new conclusion, is that we will move to the country.  'Plan A' is back in play!  I am throwing caution to the wind and going to dive feet first into this "new" plan...well, in my typical type-A neurotic planner mode...and get the wheels truly in motion to make the move sometime in the next few years. 

First up on the list is getting the house plans in order.  I have already started working on  the sketches.  Next up on the list is convincing Ryan I am "for real" about this plan to move.  He has endured countless conversations/debates over the past few years where I waffle on this decision (sometimes in the same day!!!), so he rightfully doesn't really want to talk about this issue anymore (because it is ANNOYING...FRUSTRATING...DOWNRIGHT MADDENING to talk to someone who changes her mind a thousand times, literally), let alone believe me when I say I have decided we should move.  There is no reason why he should believe me, given my history on this issue.  What I really appreciate about my husband is that he actually listens to me and the fact that he truly wants me to be happy and is willing to sacrifice his own dreams (including living in the country) for my dreams (what he perceives as me wanting to live in city/suburbia).  The truth is, I really DO want to live in the country.  I am just scared...really scared...about the unknown.  But enough is enough, no more scaredy-cat Crystal.   Time to roll up my sleeves and get to work implementing this plan!

Stay tuned...

Nesting on the Mind

I've been recently meandering through a season of self reflection and wrestling with the same "issue" that I have been wrestling with from time to time since we purchased our 6 acre (hobby) farm 3 1/2 years ago. And yes, it is technically a farm (hence the name of my blpg). A hay farm, currently. I even have to file a Schedule K on my income tax returns, just like the real farmers do. The "issue" I wrestle with is: to move or not to move; to farm or not to farm (in a hobby context). Ryan and I both say, for the time being, we are not going to move anytime soon, but I believe our hearts still pull us to want to move. To want to pursue a hobby farm. To have more outdoor space for our boys to romp around. So, I wrestle internally with these emotions and thoughts. I am likely focused on this issue because I'm 6 months pregnant now and feeling the urge to nest. I am also one that has a strong need to establish roots. I don't like change. I don't like moving. I don't like feeling unsettled. That is why the farm is an "issue." Some people have said to me, "do whatever you want" or "follow your heart." The trouble is that there are a delicate and complicated set of factors that I must weigh in making the decision, so I don't really know what I really "want" more. For example, here are some of the pros and cons:

Farm Pros:
* Lots of space (6 acres of romping room)
* Endless gardening opportunities
* Possiblity to raise livestock
* Storage galore (ability to build a shop, greenhouse, barn etc.)
* Guest accommodations
* Fulfill Ryan's lifelong dream to live in the country

Farm Cons:
* Schools in the area (65% of elementary students meet state standards)
* Must drive everywhere.
* Must plan play dates. No neighborhood kids.
* Likely increase of 25% in our mortgage and adding an additional 15 years (pay off at 60+ years old)
* Longer commute
* Travel logistics are more complicated (plants and animals need constant care)

City Pros:
* Stellar schools (93+% of elementary students meet state standards)
* Neighborhood full of families. Neighbors on our street that we like and trust.
* Walkable (i.e. sidewalks). The boys could technically walk to elementary school.
* Manageable mortgage that will be paid off when I'm 46 (or sooner)
* Flexibility to leave for vacations
* Shorter (but still long) commute

City Cons:
* Tiny space for romping around for the boys
* Tiny, mostly shaded, garden space
* No opportunities for livestock
* Limited storage
* Limited guest accommodations

Right now, the two factors I focus on the most are school performance and financial stability (size of our mortgage). Both these factors lead me to the conclusion to stay put. But I can't seem to stop the pull on the heartstrings to move to the country. The hardest decisions in life are often the decisions that don't have a right or wrong answer. I think this is one of them. I think our boys will thrive in either setting. Only time will tell what we end up doing. For now, I will continue to wrestle (internally) with myself and make plans to paint/decorate the new nursery and plant a TINY spring garden in my TINY shaded yard in my current home.  I am trying to embrace living in the moment and appreciate what I have in the here and now (and make the most of it), but I am a forward/future looking thinker/dreamer, so living/embracing the here and now does NOT come easily or naturally. 

Step One to a New Driveway

Last Saturday was such a beautiful day on the Farm! You could even see the mountains.

Shannon and her mom Char came to visit last weekend for my babyshower. We drove out to the Farm to measure for a new access driveway. The access permit requires us to identify the grade of the driveway. Who knew those high school geometry skills would come in handy one day.